June 25, 2009

Calm is for Wimps. Get Real. Get Stressed.

If at first you don't succeed, it must be someone else's fault. Find them; blame them; make them pay.

Shout at people at least twice a day.

Make yourself a Humor Free Zone. If you ever find yourself laughing at a predicament you're in, go to the bathroom and pull yourself together.

Always remember that, in truth, you are only a small, unimportant cog in a massive machine you can't control.

Every cloud doesn't have a silver lining. Don't fall for this drivel. It's just deeply unscientific propaganda put out by optimists. In fact, it's more likely that every cloud has a lead lining which means all our reservoirs are full of poisoned water.

Always make sure you have the last word. Raise the stakes by making the last word "dickhead."

From The Little Book of Stress by Rohan Candappa

June 16, 2009

Showering is Going To Kill You...

I'm about to go where I have never gone before.

Reasons I'm going to use self tanner for the first time:
1. There is no f-ing sunshine and it's already mid-June
2. I'm scared of getting wrinkles
3. And cancer
4. I refuse to EVER fake bake. I will NEVER ever do it.
5. It's slimming to have a tan?

So I got Clarins Self Tanning Instant Gel because it was recommended, and even though it's expensive, I would prefer to be tan, not orange. I'm thinking bronze, not glow in the dark. So then I was reading reviews, and they're all good, but I came across this website:

http://cosmeticsdatabase.com/

Seriously, type in any products you use. Between my shampoo, eye shadow, lotion, toothpaste, lip gloss, deodorant, and nail polish, I will obviously have problems associated with cancer, neurotoxicity, biochemical or cellular changes (morphing), organ system toxicity, occupational hazards (desk throwing), endocrine disruption, developmental/reproductive toxicity, allergies, irritation, and mutations. Yes!

In the end, there are no safety restrictions for most beauty products apparently. They're telling us to be on the look out for products which contain: placenta (yes, placenta), lead, mercury, fragrance (go for fragrance-free natch), animal parts, hydroquinone skin lightener (huh?), nanoparticles (like nano-pets), phthalates (found in some, okay MOST brands of nail polish and which cause sperm damage and infertility. I'm very upset that essie and OPI are included), and petroleum byproducts (hello and goodbye Vaseline?!).

So yeah, I'm gonna move to a deserted island now and pray to merge into an alternate universe without chemicals. To be honest, I'm not going to stop using any of this stuff. Well maybe, I'll look for organic products with natural ingredients. I'm not sure if I like the scare tactics employed by this site. Shouldn't they have a section for the good products? The FDA sucks, so tell us what to use! Then I did a Google search and learned that there really isn't much out there, especially in terms of safe, natural glittery pretty makeup. This MIGHT be my ticket to self-employment and enjoyable work. If I invent makeup that is safe and amazing and colorful and fun, and then also make a website that doesn't suck to sell it on, I may or may not be working from home in the near future. Motivation!!!!!?

Ho hum.

June 5, 2009

G-Chatting Yer Mom

Mom: there is a deer in my garden
me: deer in your garden? hahaha
Mom: yea he just boldly walked up and started munching on my flowers
me: hahahahahahahahahah
Mom: good thing I have a lot of flowers or I would have to shoot peas out of a straw
me: WHAT?
Mom: didn't you ever hear of a pea shooter?
me: uh no
Mom: It's an attention getter. You aim it at the deer and shoot. put the pea in your mouth and propell it thru the straw
me: haha wow i should use that on people and pigeons
Mom: or you can use spit balls (you know wadded up wet napkin) made wet by your spit
you have to practice
me: i will practice
during church tonight
Mom: good place to start
Mom: you could probably look up the history I think native tribes used to shoot darts @ prey that way It goes way back maybe prehistoric
me: well naturally, you want to shoot things that bother you
Mom: naturally, Rhonda and I had a conversation today about shooting targets ...funny we should be on it maybe we should be careful and have more loving kind thoughts
me: meh i think violent thoughts are good.
Mom: I never actually thought about it that way.....interesting
Sent at 12:49 PM on Friday