Newsflash: I am the Female God

On the way home, I literally was grumpy and looking down and saying to myself, "God, I hope no one stops me or says anything to me. I just want to get home."

The city, maybe only New York City, is teeming with street teams, people trying to sell you things, save your soul, and get you to donate money. I said to myself, "We're harassed all day long. Yet these psychos still think it's okay to bombard us (New Yorkers) on our way home." And I always stop because I feel bad, and they always stop me because I look non-threatening with my blonde hair and underage looking face.

And then of course, a girl stopped me.

Creepy girl: Excuse me, I have a random question for you.
Me in my head: She's either going to ask where I get my hair done or if I've ever heard of Amnesty International and care about animals and babies.
Creepy girl: Have you heard of God the Female?
Me: Yes.
CG (confused): Oh, did someone already stop you?
Me: No, I've just heard of it.
CG: Well then can I ask you some questions about Scriptures in the Bible?
Me in my head: Hell no, I don't care about religion, I'm late to get home and relax, and you're weird. And why are you wearing red and showing cleavage? What is this the Mary Magdalene religion? I read DaVinci Code. I'm not amused or phased.
Me in reality: No, there are a lot of religions and I don't think any of them are right. I don't care to debate.
CG: Well this is the PROPHECY. The Female God is coming back to earth. It's PROPHESIED. The Bible talks all about God the Female. I'm from a school called "Yada Ya" (I tuned out)
Me: Good luck. I'm not interested at all.
CG: Well if someone else stops you, that might be a sign from God that you're a chosen one. You never know.
Me: Maybe. KthanksBye.

W. T. F. Religion. One of the few things that gets me adamantly fired up. No one is right. We're all just bored humans trying to reassure ourselves. And now apparently the female Jesus.. we'll call her Jessie is coming to judge the quick and the dead. And she wants me to follow her. No freaking thanks. I swear to the gods in a past life I was burned at the stake for casting spells on these idiots.

TENNIS: The Trevor Revival

Trevors have a funny way of showing up again. I haven't thought much about Trevors since taking myself out of the dating game. Not that I ever seriously dated a Trevor, but I guess I just noticed them more often, made fun of them more freely, and appreciated the fact that I have much more of an edge than they could ever hope to have. 

And then last night I went to the US Open with my work friend and rep friend. What a night! Not only did I forget how much I love playing tennis, but I forgot how much fun it was to Trevor watch! Oh right, you might be wondering what the hell is Trevor? If you don't know, refer to the Trevor post I wrote 2 years ago. Get with the program. Here's a photo too (I stole this from the Internet, if this is you, I'm sorry but it was the best Trevor photo I've ever seen and that's an honest compliment.) 

I've never been to the US Open, although I played tennis my last two years in high school and even won a JV tournament as a senior playing 1st singles... yes, but it was JV so that's awkward. This live pro match was amazing! First up it was Maria "The Grunter" Sharapova. What an intense girl! If she makes that much noise in the bedroom, I would not want to be her neighbor. She killed it in 2 sets too. It looked like Iveta Benesova (so many Ovas) didn't even try! She could've pulled up a lawn chair and casually stuck her racket out all night, hoping to hit a ball. The score would've been the same in the end. 

Then the Trevors next to us brought back a giant basket of food. That's what Trevors do, they carry baskets. One of them even caught a signed ball from Maria. She hit it right to the Trevors (naturally)! He'll probably go home and put that in a glass case now. 

After a short break, the men came on deck... Novak vs. Phil. The crowd went wild. It was a bit offensive actually that the stadium was half full for the Ovas and then 23,000 people showed up for the guys. Although they were hitting 130 mph balls. They also had personal slaves. Not only ball boys (no girls for them because that would be too distracting) who crouched on the sides of the court ready to spring into action should a ball land. These guys also had towel boys, who were at their beck and call every five seconds. "Oh good sir, please take this towel!!!! Wipe your sweat and then throw it back in my face. Thank you so much!!!!" 

Oh, the best part: there was a fist fight! The players actually stopped playing because the entire stadium was cheering/yelling/wrecking havoc. This is tennis, not an Eagles football game! Unreal! What are these Trevors fighting about? Whose Mercedes is nicer? Whose pants are more khaki? They kicked some guys out, resumed play. 

My favorite part of live tennis is that the announcer tells everyone to be "Quiet please." Then as soon as the point is won, everyone erupts in conversation, only to shut up again in 2 seconds. So the entire time you hear this rise and fall of voices, and during the play, everyone watches intently until the point is lost and goes "OOOOHHHH" and then claps. Only it's 2010 and we're football/WWE loving Americans, so it almost sounds like we're all being sarcastic, like we're just really amused by this tennis thing. The guy behind us kept shouting, "Let's Go Phil!" I was waiting for a security guard to slap his wrists and escort him and his Heineken Light right out. 

Billie Jean King was there. 

I asked Shaun this morning, "What's the deal with Billie Jean King?" 

Shaun: "What do you mean?" 

Me: "I know she's a famous tennis player from years ago, but is it a man or a woman?" 

Shaun: "All I know is she's not my lover!" 

I Googled and she's just a lesbian, gay rights activist in case anyone was wondering. I don't think she got a gender change. 

More drama ensued. The two guys in front of us (one Trevor, one Jersey Shore Trent) had their feet on the empty seats in front of them. People with worse seats would try to sneak down and sit there, since they were clearly empty seats, but Trev and Trent would either refuse to move their feet or tattle tale to a security guard. One drunk Sorostitute gave up and went to get her big macho Trevor friends and there was almost another big fight. But Trent got a big guard to remove them. So I said, "You know Trent, what if I just put my feet right on you!" 

On the way out, we saw the kicked out crew, and my work friend very kindly offered them our seats since we were leaving. We would've loved to stick around to see that... the angry crew sitting directly behind the d-bags. I expect one or more of them received some swift kicks to the head. 

Not over yet... we had to walk to Lot X to find our driver. It took about 40 minutes to get there, but luckily his name was Lucky and after stalker calling us 10 times we found him near the World Fair Globe. 

The US Open was an experience. Pretty much the best sporting event I've ever attended besides the Phillies in the World Series last year and PSU vs. Ohio State in 2005. Can't wait to go back next weekend!