FML

I signed up for a writing class, thinking I could use my tax refund. Then I realized that I already got my refund directly deposited on March 2nd. It's such a low amount that I didn't even notice. FML. I blame Democrats and AIG. Just because!!! UGH! Whatever. 

Tar Heels, Bird Dogs, + My Dad's Kid Rock

First of all, I am still #1 in my bracket. I've never liked/watched/cared about basketball, so naturally I picked randomly based on my feelings towards the school or state. Literally I only lost 11 games out of 60. All of my picks got to the Final Four. Now I just need Michigan State and Carolina to win next Saturday and then the Tar Heels (what is that?) need to take it all. My sports fanatic uncles and their friends probably hate me... :)

I went home yesterday because I haven't been home since early February and the patriarch requested my presence at dinner and church. Can't say no to my grandfather. Ever. So Saturday after a 3 hour commute, I went to play with my uncle's new hunting puppy, Luke. I wanted to take him home but then I remembered that he would grow up and have the urge to drag dead birds around, so I let that thought go.














I had dinner at Grammy's and seriously it's like I haven't eaten in months. Her food is so good. David and I always talk about how she has secrets and adds a little of this and a little of that and stuff tastes so much better! Also her house is so calming and it makes me happy.

David's prayer: "God, thank you for that song "Chickens for Peace," but I don't get it because chickens are not peaceful.Father, Son, Holy Spirit, Amen."

Saturday night Erin came with me to get mom at the airport and then I stayed at Erins. Today I went to church, breakfast, and visited with the family more. My dad took me to meet Steph in Easton in his new toy. It's a gigantic hemi truck thing? I had to climb into it... imagine two giant steps up. Mother may I? It has a "Kid Rock" license plate and a speaker system that sort of makes my ears bleed. It also has a horn that sounds like a train and another horn option that whistles at girls aka me and my stepmom. And we wonder why I don't seriously date very often. L O L.

Panama in the City

Yesterday I was going to blog because it was a weird day, but then I got home too late and fell asleep, so here is a recap. I woke up out of a dream in which there was a giant bluebird on an ocean and I was standing on a ledge. The little sister did some research and told me that it means happiness and sadness and a resolution to the paradoxes in my life (doubtful!). "The dream may also represent a lack of understanding in the affairs of the heart." (Lulz)

Tuesday is stupid in general and we should all work from home, so naturally everything was annoying. The office dog was here and I had a demented urge to give it some Hershey's kisses. My team announced to the entire agency that I was, in fact, researching sex shops for a new business pitch. The night before, one of the top people here looked at me and asked, "Sneaker Monday?" FML. I also decided that Twitter is stupid but I will try to stay on board. Last night I went to the International Independent Film and Video Festival and that was just great. There were some creepy Italian shorts (Panama! What would Panama be without me?) and some bizarre existential American numbers. I can't really describe it, but it was amusing and well worth the $16 ($15 for the movies, $1 for the kid asking me to support his Morningside basketball team aka his big brother's crack habit).

After the show, I finally went to the Croc Lounge on the Far East Side. It was glorious. Dive bar + Free Pizza + Hilarious Bartender + Skiball? You can't go wrong!

Okay, really I'm just killing 10 minutes, so now I'm gonna release you back into cyberspace. I have nothing else to say because I forgot the point of this.

Not for the Faint of Heart....

For work, I happen to be researching sex shops (Don't ask). It's fairly interesting, because I can't imagine Googling these places otherwise, let alone walking into the shops without a disguise or an entourage. Some of the shops are fine, but some are just seriously freaky! I don't know why, since this is Manhattan, but I always just feel like everyone knows me. I actually will walk down the street repeating memorized poetry or songs just in case people can hear my thoughts. It's crazy, but true. I don't even think about interesting things usually. I just cling to privacy and it would really bother me if I found out someone could read me. I'm good at figuring other people out, but I do not want to be figured out totally, if that makes sense.

Anyway, these websites are pretty awkward, hence I'm trying to do the research at home, instead of in the cube tomorrow. I need to find out if these shops have done advertising, advertise now, have an agency, or would be willing to advertise. This information is elusive apparently. The websites will tell me about every fetish I didn't want to imagine, but I can't find a damn flyer to save my life.

WARNING: This website contains adult material. If you are under 18, or if sex toys and sexually explicit material offends you, leave.

(Sheesh)

If you are not over 21 years of age, if adult material offends you, or if you are accessing this site from any country or locale where adult material is specifically prohibited by law, Please Do Not Enter This Site.

(Oook now I really feel like I'm being bad and I'm really scared to click thru. Also funny that these websites are all serving up ads for Vegas..)

Am I really gonna have to do a sex shop tour to find answers?! Do you even know how many sex shops there are in New York City? Can't I have the cupcakes and icecream category instead?

*Sigh* Such is life.

Vegas

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is all.

Portlandia

Portland: I'm not sure if I can blame my futile expectations for sunlight, my miserable sinus infection, or the jet lag, but it's not really what I imagined. Or something. I guess I knew it would rain and I know it's winter, but I managed to forget a coat and my umbrella in Jersey. I'm also culture shocked and I'm buzzing around like a maniac while the rest of the city sits around in used book stores sipping on soy tea lattes on weekdays at 10 a.m. Doesn't anyone work? I saw lots of dreadlocks, homeless people, coffee shops, funny bumper stickers, and heard lots of new age bands playing on the radios.

I got here really late on Sunday night so I basically just went to bed. Monday we looked at some apartments, went to the giant book store (I got a Dalai Lama book and the new Augusten Burroughs collection and Susan picked out a story for me about a NYC girl who moves to the country and finds herself.. hint hint?) Then we drove down to the water to look at these giant high rise condos that they are now renting out since the economy is so bad. I saw a 2 bedroom that was the same price I pay now and twice the size. I felt like the kids in Eurotrip when they got to Bratislava. "Ah! A nickel!" The weather is absolutely insane and my mom says it matches my moods. One minute it's sunny and then it's hailing. Then it will be snowing peacefully and then torrentially downpouring. We had dinner at this romantical little place down the street from the hotel that grows their own food on a local farm. If I could taste, I would tell you it was delicious. They played some indie music and new age stuff, including a little number featuring a rubber duckie. No joke.

Today I went to W+K for an informational sit-down meeting. I was raging from all the medicine and the cold, but I managed to schmooze my way through it. The space is amazing. 6 floors of a warehouse, including a gym, yoga studio, nap rooms and hammocks on the deck. I was then informed that "media people work long hours." Oh, really? I had no idea. I mean this place invented the Nike brand, so I guess it wouldn't be a bad gig. I'm just not jiving or something! What is up with this? Then we ate cupcakes, saw another studio apartment, ate lunch at a dingy little bar with velvet booths, and then I took a 4 hour nap while Susan interviewed. They got back and went in the hot tub while I mentally wrestled in a fitful sleep. Around 5 we drove to this place in the NE ghetto that used to be a school but was transformed into a huge venue with restaurants, bars, a $3 movie theatre, and a spa. Weird, but totally appropriate in this city. For those Twilight fans out there, I did see Edward up here in the NW! Because the movie playing happened to be Twilight. Yes, I managed to sit through it again and yes, I laughed the entire time... again. We ate dinner in the school pipe room and Susan and I jukeboxed some Pink Floyd, Ben Harper and The Strokes. We fit in... 

I can't decide if I'm actually not feeling this vibe, or if I'm not letting myself because I'm not ready to leave New York on some level. I want to be ready to leave and do something different and rock my gypsy soul, but maybe I'm just not. Or something. 

I may or may not write again from Vegas, but I had to blog Portland before I get distracted... 

Out of Office Biotch

I will be out of the office Monday through Friday (March 9-13) with limited access to email (there's no way in hell I'm checking email on my vacation). I'll be busy having drinks in the sun and finding high rollers to be my sugar daddies while you slave away in corporate Hell and harass my voicemail and inbox. I will get back to you as soon as possible when I return on Monday, March 16th if what you have to say matters to me at all, which I doubt it does.

If this is urgent (are you dead, bleeding, on fire?), please email my boss, but he probably won't respond because you're annoying.

Thank you and have a great week, suckers!

A Day in the Life

Here's a typical day at work for me and most of my friends:

9:10am (slightly late: not too kiss ass, but not too slack off): log in and immediately open Outlook, Gmail, and a music website (imeem, pandora, or myspace)

9:15am: start a chat conversation with roommate that will last all day long. Literally yesterday my roommate and I logged an 854 line chat. I know, because Gmail records it.

The chat starts with 1 of 3 things

1. I feel really sick and/or I feel like I was run over by a freaking Path train.

2. I cannot believe we're at work AGAIN. EFF THIS. When is it Friday!?

3. Seriously kill me. I am in a cage.

9:20am: Deleting and filing work emails, reading newsletters (DailyCandy, Thrillist), checking Facebook, reading advertising trade article headlines

9:25am: Phone rings... time to put on the headphones and blast Metal or Seriously Hard Rock. Phone call gets ignored. ALWAYS. 

9:30am: Shuffle to kitchen for coffee. Coffee is gone? Definitely too lazy to make more. Tea it is. Add lots of sugar. 

10:30am: Somehow it's 10:30. But it's still only 10:30. OMG. Chat with roommate about boys (Trevors: see old Blog) or how much work sucks or how we should probably move to San Diego because the weather is horrendous and this city is stupid. Email fellow office spacing midtowner about something incredibly random and ridiculous. BlackBerry chat about upcoming Vegas vacation. Text sister.

10:40am: More GChats begin. I spend at least 10 minutes every hour for the rest of the day clicking on links sent to me by friends:

Listen to this song. It's so accurate. 

Watch this video

LOL look at this!

Read this.

Meanwhile, I am doing work, but I lose focus every few minutes. Somehow I still get it all done and I still manage to be an over-achiever while answering friends with witticisms and cynicism and while suppressing explosive laughter all day long. Talk law schooler through class.

11am: Ugh time for a meeting. Draw violently in the margins and nod occasionally.

12:00: Wow, it's only noon. Granola bar time. Email sisters 

"Enjoy college, because after that your time is going to be monopolized by a cubicle and Excel. HELP. Listen to this song, you'll never guess what happened, can't wait til vacation la la la"

12:30pm: Possibly take an hour lunch or just sit in the cube with a microwaved mini Tupperware square bowl of leftover noodles and curse my cooking skills.

12:45pm: Start an email chain with college friends

1pm: Realize I wasted most of the morning and manage to focus for a full 30 minutes on a spreadsheet. Pat on back! 

1:30pm: Google how to play bass guitar, or a map of Oregon, or how many Earths fit inside Jupiter (990). Cannot focus! It's a struggle!

1:45pm: Read email replies from college friends and sisters. Immediately reply back.

-> Sister: "You're very dramatic."

3pm: Copy and paste funny quotes from friends to other friends and threaten to quit Corporate America and become a teacher or work in a coffee shop or bartend. Swearing ensues. I need vodka. I need Saturday. You settle down!

4:15pm: OMG NEED TO LEAVE! 

4:20pm: Little sister calls 

Sister: Whatcha doin?

Me: uh, same thing I was doing yesterday and every day...working?! What else would I be doing?! :)

4:30pm: 30 minutes to go. Home stretch, frantically send follow up emails, plug in numbers, and calculate CPMs and Rates while changing playlists and song surfing every 40 seconds

5pm: PEACE! On a good day, on a bad day it's more cursing, frantic number crunching, and laughing out loud from delirium until I can leave at 6:30pm in a mad dash to the elevator bank.

Ah, to be young and restless in Manhattan! 

Tax Evasion!

There are certain things I should never have to do myself. One is file my own taxes, because it is obnoxious and stupid and I probably did it wrong and will probably get arrested for illegally living in a living room for a year. FML. ezTaxReturn.com? More like yoursessionhastimedout.com. So freaking annoying! I also never want to set up my own internet, hang my own curtains or mow the lawn. Not just because I'm a girl, but because these things are tedious and hellish and I refuse. That is all.