FAIL TUESDAY.

Back story: My roommate is working late and we're chatting online about how much Tuesday sucks...

Steph: Apparently "hi I'd like to order a chicken Caesar salad" means "hi I'd like to order a boring and uncomfortable large load of greens" - who gets a HUGE salad without meat on it?!?!?!? hhahaha FML. i tried to actually send you the picture i took of it
Me: um yes. HAHAHA
Steph: i think the salad is so big it wont send
Me: also.. i may have eaten a moldy avocado. I'm scared. ew soooooo nasty. fail salad. FAIL TUESDAY
Steph: i almost bought avocados the other day. but then i was like o wait.. i don't know how to eat them
Me: straight up.. i don't think they go moldy. I'm just paranoid. i just cut in half and scoop out the stuff and eat it
Steph: you have to see this- i emailed you it
Me: LULZ
Steph: its the worst thing ever. i cant wait to leave to eat
Me: i didn't get it yet. i have a huge headache. i want a new life
Steph: fuck my blackberry for not sending you this picture
we are in a fight. its "going"
Me: I HATE YOU BLACKBERRY STAY OUT OF MY LIFE
Steph: GOD SENDDDDD
Me: godsend? lolcat?
Steph: see i don't even do work what a joke. I'm leaving in about 10 minutes this is nonsense
Me: hogwash
Steph: I'm not even working. I'm pissed off about the salad now. hahahaha. someday when my crackberry isn't being a slut ill send you it. i cannot believe how much it was and how awkward
Me: okkk or show me when you get home
Steph: now I'm going to be a wild boar when i get home. i hate when i get like that. i think i need to see someone about it but sometimes when I'm so hungry I'm just like GIVE ME EVERYTHINGGGGG and i get out of control
Me: hahahahaah IM SO FUCKING HUNGRY I'M SO FUCKING MAD. wow i feel sick
Steph: reating. rage + eating. reating. cause rating sucks- its media. u feel sick bc u nommed mold
Me: LOL HAHAHHAHAHA
Steph: i want to throw it against the wall, throw a hissy fit and storm out leave this crappy house salad all over. no one will EVER get me a shitass house salad again then. i even grabbed through it with my hand to see if the chicken was hiding in the middle as a nice suprise. NOPE so then it was just dirty
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAH. i may put this whole convo on the internet on my blog next to andys video
Steph: hahah i don't care.. no one will get me the wrong salad ever again then. ill have so much meat i wont know what to do with it
Me: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID
Steph: i think my image came
Me: OMG I GOT IT














Steph: that's HALF in the LID like are you kidding me! ok i give up I'm coming home to eat see ya in 4 hours after my god damn commute god damn new york
Me: EFF NYC
Steph: cant wait to sleep for 6 hours and do this again!!!! at least its hump day.

By Lauren Luke

Not to go completely girl power, powderpuff on you, but I almost cried when I heard about this girl, Lauren Luke. She started making youtube videos of how to apply makeup and now she has a line at Sephora and millions upon millions of views online...she had a terrible school experience because kids are mean and now she's making bank. I love her! Definitely buying this stuff ASAP. She's a single mom too. Well, jeez!

NYTimes Article

Funny Kids

Funny things my friends said to me this week via G-Chat or text.
There are tons more, but for some reason, I wrote these down. Out of context, maybe they seem crazy, but I'm sure the conversation was just as weird and off the wall as the quote.

Trevanie: haha she was in a sorority; no wonder she's annoying with group things

Xtine: hahahah God making men and women attracted to each other was a cruel thing to do
Xtine: bc all women think men are idiots and all men think women are insane

J9: we went 3-1 last night in dodgeball. i took a ball to the face and it knocked my glasses off. so geeky.

P-Fiddy: Eat it.

Sushi: You would prob be peeing your pants at all the trevors in connecticut. Nom cats.

CW: i know asians are my favorite babies
CW: hahahahahahahahhahaha

i typed that- thought about how messed up it sounded- disregarded it- and sent it

i'm biased toward chubby irish babies too in case you were wondering

Lobsta: they should make a law that azn's must stay babies like azn's can't get older then 6 or 7

Lobsta: but mooommmm i was 7 last year.... shut up lil Jimmy Chung ur 7 again
Lobsta: i swear this kid looks 55... nope... he's 7 swear to g-d

Sarisha: David-O is trying on a "memories" t-shirt lol it's like 10 sizes too small

*Names have been slightly altered to protect the true identity of the characters

OBX: Ol' (B)Dirty (X)South

I went to the Dirty South, and ohmahgod, now I know why they call it that. For one thing, I'm covered in mosquito bites and I'm going absolutely crazy. I know the worst times of day for mosquitoes are sunrise and sunset, therefore I can pinpoint the moments of attack. Those mothereffers got me when I was vulnerable. 

First, when I arrived in North Carolina after an 11 hour drive, complete with "wrecking" my mom's car, *almost* getting pummeled/shredded apart by a tractor trailer while standing in the left lane assessing the damage, and seeing an obese man's exposed stomach as he looked under the ballin' Chrysler. We stopped to buy fresh fruit from the Bible thumpers, and I'm pretty sure some blood sucking pests came in with the blueberries and sand bucket of peaches. Then they got me when I was playing mini golf in a skirt near a bog or swamp in which bullfrogs mated. I was focusing, and they were hungry. Then they got me again when I was tipsy after a 12 hour margarita day and tequila power hour. Clearly, I couldn't swat them away while texting and snapping photos of drunk people jumping off the roof. 

So now I suffer. 

The Dirty South is also dirty for obvious reasons. As we crossed over the Mason Dixon line, which in fact is below Pennsylvania and above Maryland and bisects Delaware in case you didn't know, the billboards got suggestive and disturbing. We drove through a town called "Omancock" O-MAN-COCK, VA. Okay, it might've been Onancock, but at a glance it looked like an "M." Then we got behind a nice man in a pick-up with a license plate that said "FISH NUDE." YOU fish nude, dude. I'll stay over here in a full sweatsuit so I don't get eaten alive by mosquitoes even more and in even worse places than knees and toes. Yikes. I can't imagine going all the way to Georgia, or worse, driving West toward Alabama or Arkansas. No thanks, as Virginia and North Carolina had their heads in the gutter quite far enough. We spotted a "Taylor DO IT Center." I don't even know what that means. We crossed over the Dick White Bridge, and I know I'm being a 12 year old schoolboy, but after a while, your subconscious pieces these things together and says, HEY! That's inappropriate! Not to mention, you gotta do something after 9 hours in a car besides sing Missy Elliot songs and scream at other drivers. 

Oh we're not through yet. Once crossing into North Carolina, we spotted many signs for peanuts. One such sign said, "Come try my nuts!" "Hey, no way!" These people try to look innocent with their straw beach hats and their Presbyterian churches and their clever bumper stickers, but I'm from the Northeast and I'm onto them. There was also "Spankys," a little snack shack with a monkey eating a hotdog as their logo. C'mon now. Who thought of that? I suspect the preacher or the granny. The best place yet is called Dirty Dicks, which is a very famous crab restaurant. Slogan? "I got my crabs at Dirty Dicks." True enough, however get your kid a t-shirt there and I don't think they will be allowed to attend math class. 

Besides all of that, if you weren't convinced already that the South is, in fact, dirty, someone within our beach house stole money from 6 different people. There were 14 of us, mostly friends from a little PA high school. The worst crime I ever saw in my home town was when the bad kid in my 2nd grade class wrote "F*CK" on the sliding board and then told me never to tell. Oops, I guess I just did.  I also once saw a woman get kidnapped in Blockbuster and forced to drive her own car down the street at gunpoint. This is traumatic even for a Bronx neighborhood kid, but at the time, I pretended it was a movie since I was surrounded by...movies and I haven't thought about it until now. The point is, people don't really steal from their friends. However, something about the South leads to dirty money, dirty motives, dirty hands. I'm guessing the thief was one of the outsiders, not from the PA country. I'm also fairly certain it wasn't my roommate since she only steals sangria from Buskers (HA). I don't think it was any of the 18 year olds because they seem to look up to the older boys so why would they steal from them? They're Team Meathead! They gotta stick together! 

Perhaps someone random snuck in while we were incapacitated at the pool, throwing back dirty shots of dirty rum and dirty tequila. Or maybe all the people who claim to be missing money merely spent it on a dirty round of golf, some dirty barbeque pork sandwiches, or the dirty all you can eat seafood joint where I learned to crack a crab leg with a dental tool. We didn't get our crabs at Dirty Dicks, but we did get dirty, eat crabs, lose money, swim in the dirty ocean and consume 5 containers of margarita mix. And yeah, check it, that's a rhyme. 

Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?