Lost

I keep saying I'm fine and I like my life and thank god I'm on my own and not dependent. It's to the point where I'm repeating this to people, not because I want to reassure them, but because I'm trying to convince myself. I'm almost forcing myself to have fun and make plans so I'm temporarily distracted. I've been going out more and drinking more and I knew this would happen. I knew I would crack at some point. Covering up feelings doesn't make them go away, it just makes them surface in other ways, such as sickness or nightmares. I've been having recurring nightmares for a few weeks now. At first I kept dreaming about death, then I was dreaming about being forced to get married. In all of th0se dreams I was crying and I didn't have a dress, because I can't imagine getting married in the traditional sense and it scares me to no end. Now my nightmares are about my house. It started with dreams about trying to rescue my cats. I'm actually angry and anxious about my mom moving I guess. Rationally, it is fine. Things have to change and people move all the time. It's just a house. But on some level, I can't grasp not having a home base. I know there are other places I can stay, but for so long it was always my mom and sisters in that house. I can't even get my mom on the phone anymore. She doesn't answer her cell phone and she isn't online, so it's like she is gone.

Last night I had the worst nightmare ever in the emotional sense. I was at this cafe and this woman looked exactly like my mom, but I knew that it couldn't be her. I kept staring at her and I was going to say something, and then I found out that it really was her. She wasn't the same though. She was a different person in the same body. Then we went to the house, because she was moving and tearing it apart. It was a complete mess and I was frantically trying to get all of my things before she torched it all. Nothing looked the same. The stairs were rickety attic steps and when I tried to climb them they fell apart and I was hanging from the second floor. My grandmother and aunt were there and I just wanted them to leave so they didn't have to see the disaster area that my mom created. Honestly, this is how I feel about the situation. I think it's a selfish, spontaneous decision that came at the worst possible time for everyone and I am beyond stressed about it. I'm raging.

It's true that you can't make decisions based on what other people want and you can't make other people happy. It's also true that you have a responsibility to your family and your children. I'm not saying she shouldn't be moving. I'm saying she needed to prepare us and transition it instead of getting married without telling anyone right after a shocking death in the family and then picking up and moving in a whirlwind of urgency and secrecy.

It's hard to know how to handle things, but I'm seeing that she hurt her parents and her siblings. I'm having anxiety attacks again, and I don't want to blame her but my dreams tell me that it's a serious issue for me. I'm not ready to "grow up" and be on my own. Sometimes I need to talk to my mom and no one else can take her place. I want to get out of NY and stop drinking and living a life that isn't me. All I really want is to go home and I can't. I can never go home. It's not there. I wish home was the town or the rest of my family but it isn't. Home is in the past.

A Place For My Head :: Linkin Park
Find another place to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest
I want to be in another place
I hate when you say you don't understand
(You'll see it's not meant to be)
I want to be in the energy, not with the enemy
A place for my head
Maybe someday I'll be just like you, and
Step on people like you do and
Run away the people I thought I knew
I remember back then who you were
You used to be calm, used to be strong
Used to be generous, but you should've known
That you'd wear out your welcome
Now you see how quiet it is, all alone