The Awkward Unveiling of the Bentley SUV

I had the most sarcastic & incredible night that warranted a blog post. What's terrible is that I went to Europe this summer and I still never blogged about it, but tonight happened and I wanted to blog immediately - even after three champagnes. Or because of three champagnes potentially.

I got invited to an Exclusive Unveiling of the New Bentley Bentayga, which is a Bentley SUV. I think Bentayga is a weird name that is spelled too literally. But no one asked me.

When I pictured this event, I pictured men in ties. Women in heels. I got home from work and was rushed out the door in flip flops. Shaun ensured me that it didn't matter. That no one cared. That the richest person in the room would be the most unassuming, wearing a baseball cap and sneakers. We were to pretend that we were the richest men in Babylon.

We rolled up to the Valet in our (Dierks) Bentley Ram truck and our flip flops and proceeded to the red carpet. I'm not exaggerating. I know this is a sarcastic blog, but there was a red carpet. I got a diamond bracelet at the door. I hope it's fake. Proceed to bar, order Champagne for free.

Shaun left me alone for 30 seconds while he got sushi, and someone accused me of live Tweeting their conversation. Because they are just that interesting. I put my phone down and scanned the room only to see women in gowns - GOWNS. On a Tuesday. One had sunglasses on. AT NIGHT. Cue a second glass of champagne and try to shuffle flip flops under the satin tablecloth. Eat more cheese.

After the second glass, I realized I only had a $5 bill and tipped the bartender with the whole damn thing. Ballin. I figure it was the best way to over-compensate for my flip flops, which, by the way, are not fancy flip flops. They are the same ones I hiked around Europe in and wore into the ocean (it was rocky.) They stink.

After the second glass, I also stopped caring (as much) and strolled past the men hand-rolling cigars for guests and into the lot of Aston Martins and Lamborghinis without reservation. I tried to make myself feel better by comparing myself to others. "I'm better off than the girl who dropped a shrimp into her cleavage and can't find it." "I'm better off than the woman with the incredibly messy hair who thinks the messy hair look is in" and "I'm better off than the man in the neck brace" etc. etc.

Finally they unveiled the Bentayga - I was thinking it would be white or silver or black. No, it was copper or the color of bronzer combined with chemically peeled skin. The color of everyone there.

But the car itself was something to which we should all aspire. It was very classy and the first thing I'll buy when I have $300K of disposable income and a nicer parking garage without jagged edges. Le sigh. Actually - that's a lie. I don't care about cars even a little bit. It seems nice.


From there, it was embarrassing to get our truck back from the valet, so we pretended ours was the Maserati. We chatted about the delicious, free bottled water with the employees while we waited. Our truck pulled up and we high-tailed it out of there so fast, we forgot to tip. Oh wait, no - we couldn't tip because I gave the bartender like $20 and then had nothing left. Cue the Dierks Bentley.

I'm mostly still PO'd that they ran out of gift bags. What was in there? Probably a $90 thousand dollar watch, a signed picture of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, a coupon for the newest golf balls, a Godiva chocolate bar, and a mini bottle of Chandon Brut Classic. UGH. SO upset. All I'm left with is this diamond bracelet and my flip flops.

How to See Austin in 48 Hours

1. Arrive really late due to rain in San Diego - what.
2. Realize Uber drivers in Texas are the nicest people you've ever met. Literally.
3. Stay in Airbnb house in a quiet neighborhood outside the city limits. Too quiet. Check all closets and under beds for murderers.
4. Wake up and find tacos. Decide on Z'Tejas and embarrassingly pronounce it Z'Te-JOS instead of Te-HOS despite living basically in Mexico for the last four years. The Make Your Own Bloody Mary bar was the best - must add Slim Jim. But don't actually eat the Slim Jim - it will likely cause internal bleeding. Corn bread also good.
5. Notice that the birds are extremely creepy in Austin. Watch one snatch and eat an entire packet of Sweet'N Low.

Gross.

6. Walk around and around. In circles. Cuz that's what we did. The city isn't that big and I think we walked it twice at least based on my Health App.

7. Stop at the Driskill for a coffee if it's pre-noon or a cocktail if it's after-noon. Make sure you go upstairs and take a selfie with the taxidermy.
8. Freak out when a legit sheriff tips his 10-gallon hat to you and says, "Howdy."
9. Confirm that you probably could never live here because it's too humid and the birds are too scary.
10. Get doughnuts at Gourdough's (I think you pronounce it Gor-Doughs but it's spelled wrong)- I recommend the dessert one with coconut and cream. It's better than San Diego's Donut Bar but don't tell them I said that.
11. Get margaritas on a rooftop.
12. Let a homeless man tell you he crapped his pants. He seemed okay with it, so don't worry too much I guess.
13. Play beer pong in an arcade - it's like real beer pong, except without beer. And you have to pay.
14. Skip watching millions of bats fly out from under the bridge. There were like 4 and I swear it's a myth.
15. If you're 28+ - hang out on Rainey St. instead of 6th at night. It's a bunch of old houses converted into bars with yards. Bar 96 had corn hole and a taco truck. Another bar was built out of storage containers. It's really unpretentious.
16. Realize you forgot what weather was like and wake up terrified of the thunder and lightening at 4am.
17. Sadly, the Barton Springs Pool might be flooded the next day. Go on a food tour instead - brisket, ice cream, BBQ, everything. Take artsy, hipster pics.

18. Appreciate the weird. It's kind of awesome.

Credit: Thanks to Pat for being born and turning 30.