The Awkward Unveiling of the Bentley SUV

I had the most sarcastic & incredible night that warranted a blog post. What's terrible is that I went to Europe this summer and I still never blogged about it, but tonight happened and I wanted to blog immediately - even after three champagnes. Or because of three champagnes potentially.

I got invited to an Exclusive Unveiling of the New Bentley Bentayga, which is a Bentley SUV. I think Bentayga is a weird name that is spelled too literally. But no one asked me.

When I pictured this event, I pictured men in ties. Women in heels. I got home from work and was rushed out the door in flip flops. Shaun ensured me that it didn't matter. That no one cared. That the richest person in the room would be the most unassuming, wearing a baseball cap and sneakers. We were to pretend that we were the richest men in Babylon.

We rolled up to the Valet in our (Dierks) Bentley Ram truck and our flip flops and proceeded to the red carpet. I'm not exaggerating. I know this is a sarcastic blog, but there was a red carpet. I got a diamond bracelet at the door. I hope it's fake. Proceed to bar, order Champagne for free.

Shaun left me alone for 30 seconds while he got sushi, and someone accused me of live Tweeting their conversation. Because they are just that interesting. I put my phone down and scanned the room only to see women in gowns - GOWNS. On a Tuesday. One had sunglasses on. AT NIGHT. Cue a second glass of champagne and try to shuffle flip flops under the satin tablecloth. Eat more cheese.

After the second glass, I realized I only had a $5 bill and tipped the bartender with the whole damn thing. Ballin. I figure it was the best way to over-compensate for my flip flops, which, by the way, are not fancy flip flops. They are the same ones I hiked around Europe in and wore into the ocean (it was rocky.) They stink.

After the second glass, I also stopped caring (as much) and strolled past the men hand-rolling cigars for guests and into the lot of Aston Martins and Lamborghinis without reservation. I tried to make myself feel better by comparing myself to others. "I'm better off than the girl who dropped a shrimp into her cleavage and can't find it." "I'm better off than the woman with the incredibly messy hair who thinks the messy hair look is in" and "I'm better off than the man in the neck brace" etc. etc.

Finally they unveiled the Bentayga - I was thinking it would be white or silver or black. No, it was copper or the color of bronzer combined with chemically peeled skin. The color of everyone there.

But the car itself was something to which we should all aspire. It was very classy and the first thing I'll buy when I have $300K of disposable income and a nicer parking garage without jagged edges. Le sigh. Actually - that's a lie. I don't care about cars even a little bit. It seems nice.


From there, it was embarrassing to get our truck back from the valet, so we pretended ours was the Maserati. We chatted about the delicious, free bottled water with the employees while we waited. Our truck pulled up and we high-tailed it out of there so fast, we forgot to tip. Oh wait, no - we couldn't tip because I gave the bartender like $20 and then had nothing left. Cue the Dierks Bentley.

I'm mostly still PO'd that they ran out of gift bags. What was in there? Probably a $90 thousand dollar watch, a signed picture of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, a coupon for the newest golf balls, a Godiva chocolate bar, and a mini bottle of Chandon Brut Classic. UGH. SO upset. All I'm left with is this diamond bracelet and my flip flops.

On Turning 30 and Other Frights and Delights

It's 11:11pm and in less than an hour, I'll be 30. I don't know - it feels weird. Maybe it's just the martinis I had tonight, but I think it's also just a weird feeling to leave behind my 20's. It was a long-ass decade. Holy man. Thinking back to when I turned 20 and thinking through college, graduation, four years in NYC, another four in San Diego, a few minute relationships and then a really long one, changing majors, career moves, cross-country moves. It's just a lot happened and I don't know if I should mourn or celebrate or both. I guess both.

They say 29 is your best year. I mean NY Mag wrote about it - plus Buzzfeed etc. It wasn't the best year for me to be honest - it was whatever but it feels sad to leave it behind and enter into THIRTY. Eww. Omg. No. What does this mean? I must make lists.

A few quick things I learned in my 20s:
1. Real friends know how to be friends when it's not convenient.
2. It's okay to change your mind about your goals - it's okay to want to travel or be a mom instead of a CMO.
3. Drinking water and not drinking vodka are both seriously necessary if you don't want wrinkles. So is sunscreen.
4. Go to the doctor. But then go get acupuncture and do yoga because drugs are probably not the answer. If you feel like you need medication to get through a work day, it's not the right work day for you.
5. Appreciate the moment because time starts speeding up after 25 and you might not get more time with your loved ones. I know it's heavy but it's important. Don't screw this one up. Prioritize.

Things I'm annoyed about: 
1. I'll never be on a 30 under 30 list. Like this SERIOUSLY bothers me. UGH.
2. I have to have kids soon - like yesterday. And I'm not ready. And I don't know if I ever will be.
3. I thought I'd be married in my 20's - and I really don't know how long this jig of eating cupcakes and doing yoga is going to last for me. I'm not looking forward to cardio and working out so I fit in a stupid dress.
4. My parents were younger than me when they had me. Terrifying.
5. It's no longer cute to be confused, hungover, whimsical, and erratic. I've now transitioned from young and restless to just plain crazy. It's like get it together or check yourself in now.

Things to look forward to in my 30's: 
1. No longer getting accused of being young and stupid, especially at work. Being 30 means you're mature and know stuff. Still a "Millennial" but now mature. This is good.
2. Probably having kids in this decade.WhoawhoaWhoa.
3. Actually having income to travel the world and not sacrificing groceries and paying bills. Kinda cool.
4. It's acceptable to stay in and watch Netflix, host wine and cheese parties, geek out on books with friends, and give advice. It's fun to give advice - and I enjoy telling kids who are about to graduate to seriously forget career and go travel. But really.
5. Botox? Gray hair? Idk what else?