The Awkward Unveiling of the Bentley SUV

I had the most sarcastic & incredible night that warranted a blog post. What's terrible is that I went to Europe this summer and I still never blogged about it, but tonight happened and I wanted to blog immediately - even after three champagnes. Or because of three champagnes potentially.

I got invited to an Exclusive Unveiling of the New Bentley Bentayga, which is a Bentley SUV. I think Bentayga is a weird name that is spelled too literally. But no one asked me.

When I pictured this event, I pictured men in ties. Women in heels. I got home from work and was rushed out the door in flip flops. Shaun ensured me that it didn't matter. That no one cared. That the richest person in the room would be the most unassuming, wearing a baseball cap and sneakers. We were to pretend that we were the richest men in Babylon.

We rolled up to the Valet in our (Dierks) Bentley Ram truck and our flip flops and proceeded to the red carpet. I'm not exaggerating. I know this is a sarcastic blog, but there was a red carpet. I got a diamond bracelet at the door. I hope it's fake. Proceed to bar, order Champagne for free.

Shaun left me alone for 30 seconds while he got sushi, and someone accused me of live Tweeting their conversation. Because they are just that interesting. I put my phone down and scanned the room only to see women in gowns - GOWNS. On a Tuesday. One had sunglasses on. AT NIGHT. Cue a second glass of champagne and try to shuffle flip flops under the satin tablecloth. Eat more cheese.

After the second glass, I realized I only had a $5 bill and tipped the bartender with the whole damn thing. Ballin. I figure it was the best way to over-compensate for my flip flops, which, by the way, are not fancy flip flops. They are the same ones I hiked around Europe in and wore into the ocean (it was rocky.) They stink.

After the second glass, I also stopped caring (as much) and strolled past the men hand-rolling cigars for guests and into the lot of Aston Martins and Lamborghinis without reservation. I tried to make myself feel better by comparing myself to others. "I'm better off than the girl who dropped a shrimp into her cleavage and can't find it." "I'm better off than the woman with the incredibly messy hair who thinks the messy hair look is in" and "I'm better off than the man in the neck brace" etc. etc.

Finally they unveiled the Bentayga - I was thinking it would be white or silver or black. No, it was copper or the color of bronzer combined with chemically peeled skin. The color of everyone there.

But the car itself was something to which we should all aspire. It was very classy and the first thing I'll buy when I have $300K of disposable income and a nicer parking garage without jagged edges. Le sigh. Actually - that's a lie. I don't care about cars even a little bit. It seems nice.


From there, it was embarrassing to get our truck back from the valet, so we pretended ours was the Maserati. We chatted about the delicious, free bottled water with the employees while we waited. Our truck pulled up and we high-tailed it out of there so fast, we forgot to tip. Oh wait, no - we couldn't tip because I gave the bartender like $20 and then had nothing left. Cue the Dierks Bentley.

I'm mostly still PO'd that they ran out of gift bags. What was in there? Probably a $90 thousand dollar watch, a signed picture of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, a coupon for the newest golf balls, a Godiva chocolate bar, and a mini bottle of Chandon Brut Classic. UGH. SO upset. All I'm left with is this diamond bracelet and my flip flops.

Things I Learned from My Child Self

Things I learned about myself by looking at old journals:

1. On Feb 20, 1993 age "7 in a half" - I noted that this was "not best hand writing" - face it, my handwriting sucks and always has. Time to be honest with myself once and for all.
2. Sometimes wishes come true. Right before my 8th birthday, I said I didn't like my sisters and wished I could make them a lot nicer. Now I like them and they're sometimes a lot nicer.
3. Some fears last forever - I wrote a story in 1st grade about getting eaten by a giant spider and ended with "Spiders all over the universe and that was the end of me." In another story - "The spider saw me and ate me. I was dead." That's freaking deep right there. Also fear of failure, regret, and not living came up a lot.
4. Once a girly girl, always a girly girl. "I like being a girl because you can wear nail polish and cool jackets." It was the early 90's after all.
5. Being left handed sometimes sucks. Report card 1989 "Ellyn's grip is not always correct and she cuts off the line." I was FOUR and those lefty scissors are still the WORST. By the way, I now cut right-handed.
6. I like school, reading, being alone, traveling, and cold weather. I hate school dances.
7. At various points, I wanted to be a doctor, pilot, archeologist, psychologist, writer, artist and politician. But then I majored in film because I wanted to make movies and be all of those things. Now I work in advertising. What the...
8. My New Year's resolution at 17:  perfection
9. Things I want to do in life: write, act, art, teach, lead, write
10. I think I struggle with follow through

"Remember who you are." -Mufasa's Ghost

Found: Bucket List

Goals I set for myself in life 12 years ago before college. I checked off the things I've accomplished...

1. Write for National Geographic
2. Fly over Grand Canyon in glider/ultralight
3. Archaeology
4. Study British Literature - Middle English
5. Learn Latin
6. Go to French theatre
7. Go to play in London 
8. Go to Alaska
9. Windsurfing
10. Surf
11. Write a book and screenplay
12. Direct and produce a film
13. Have a private airplane
14. Skydiving
15. Hot air balloon
16. Study religions through experience
17. Establish a charity
18. Vacation on Mediterranean
19. Have a library

Not listed:
1. Pretty much everything in my current career and life

Current thought:
1. I have a lot of work to do
2. Becoming afraid of heights was not good for my bucket list
3. I may have picked the wrong major

Quote I wrote at 16:
If you don't like where you are and if you are not happy, than either: 1. you are blind to your blessings 2. you neglected to follow a dream and settled for less or 3. you are denying and refusing a crucial lesson

Damn, son 

1. Write Bucket List - Check.