The Awkward Unveiling of the Bentley SUV

I had the most sarcastic & incredible night that warranted a blog post. What's terrible is that I went to Europe this summer and I still never blogged about it, but tonight happened and I wanted to blog immediately - even after three champagnes. Or because of three champagnes potentially.

I got invited to an Exclusive Unveiling of the New Bentley Bentayga, which is a Bentley SUV. I think Bentayga is a weird name that is spelled too literally. But no one asked me.

When I pictured this event, I pictured men in ties. Women in heels. I got home from work and was rushed out the door in flip flops. Shaun ensured me that it didn't matter. That no one cared. That the richest person in the room would be the most unassuming, wearing a baseball cap and sneakers. We were to pretend that we were the richest men in Babylon.

We rolled up to the Valet in our (Dierks) Bentley Ram truck and our flip flops and proceeded to the red carpet. I'm not exaggerating. I know this is a sarcastic blog, but there was a red carpet. I got a diamond bracelet at the door. I hope it's fake. Proceed to bar, order Champagne for free.

Shaun left me alone for 30 seconds while he got sushi, and someone accused me of live Tweeting their conversation. Because they are just that interesting. I put my phone down and scanned the room only to see women in gowns - GOWNS. On a Tuesday. One had sunglasses on. AT NIGHT. Cue a second glass of champagne and try to shuffle flip flops under the satin tablecloth. Eat more cheese.

After the second glass, I realized I only had a $5 bill and tipped the bartender with the whole damn thing. Ballin. I figure it was the best way to over-compensate for my flip flops, which, by the way, are not fancy flip flops. They are the same ones I hiked around Europe in and wore into the ocean (it was rocky.) They stink.

After the second glass, I also stopped caring (as much) and strolled past the men hand-rolling cigars for guests and into the lot of Aston Martins and Lamborghinis without reservation. I tried to make myself feel better by comparing myself to others. "I'm better off than the girl who dropped a shrimp into her cleavage and can't find it." "I'm better off than the woman with the incredibly messy hair who thinks the messy hair look is in" and "I'm better off than the man in the neck brace" etc. etc.

Finally they unveiled the Bentayga - I was thinking it would be white or silver or black. No, it was copper or the color of bronzer combined with chemically peeled skin. The color of everyone there.

But the car itself was something to which we should all aspire. It was very classy and the first thing I'll buy when I have $300K of disposable income and a nicer parking garage without jagged edges. Le sigh. Actually - that's a lie. I don't care about cars even a little bit. It seems nice.


From there, it was embarrassing to get our truck back from the valet, so we pretended ours was the Maserati. We chatted about the delicious, free bottled water with the employees while we waited. Our truck pulled up and we high-tailed it out of there so fast, we forgot to tip. Oh wait, no - we couldn't tip because I gave the bartender like $20 and then had nothing left. Cue the Dierks Bentley.

I'm mostly still PO'd that they ran out of gift bags. What was in there? Probably a $90 thousand dollar watch, a signed picture of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, a coupon for the newest golf balls, a Godiva chocolate bar, and a mini bottle of Chandon Brut Classic. UGH. SO upset. All I'm left with is this diamond bracelet and my flip flops.

How to See Austin in 48 Hours

1. Arrive really late due to rain in San Diego - what.
2. Realize Uber drivers in Texas are the nicest people you've ever met. Literally.
3. Stay in Airbnb house in a quiet neighborhood outside the city limits. Too quiet. Check all closets and under beds for murderers.
4. Wake up and find tacos. Decide on Z'Tejas and embarrassingly pronounce it Z'Te-JOS instead of Te-HOS despite living basically in Mexico for the last four years. The Make Your Own Bloody Mary bar was the best - must add Slim Jim. But don't actually eat the Slim Jim - it will likely cause internal bleeding. Corn bread also good.
5. Notice that the birds are extremely creepy in Austin. Watch one snatch and eat an entire packet of Sweet'N Low.

Gross.

6. Walk around and around. In circles. Cuz that's what we did. The city isn't that big and I think we walked it twice at least based on my Health App.

7. Stop at the Driskill for a coffee if it's pre-noon or a cocktail if it's after-noon. Make sure you go upstairs and take a selfie with the taxidermy.
8. Freak out when a legit sheriff tips his 10-gallon hat to you and says, "Howdy."
9. Confirm that you probably could never live here because it's too humid and the birds are too scary.
10. Get doughnuts at Gourdough's (I think you pronounce it Gor-Doughs but it's spelled wrong)- I recommend the dessert one with coconut and cream. It's better than San Diego's Donut Bar but don't tell them I said that.
11. Get margaritas on a rooftop.
12. Let a homeless man tell you he crapped his pants. He seemed okay with it, so don't worry too much I guess.
13. Play beer pong in an arcade - it's like real beer pong, except without beer. And you have to pay.
14. Skip watching millions of bats fly out from under the bridge. There were like 4 and I swear it's a myth.
15. If you're 28+ - hang out on Rainey St. instead of 6th at night. It's a bunch of old houses converted into bars with yards. Bar 96 had corn hole and a taco truck. Another bar was built out of storage containers. It's really unpretentious.
16. Realize you forgot what weather was like and wake up terrified of the thunder and lightening at 4am.
17. Sadly, the Barton Springs Pool might be flooded the next day. Go on a food tour instead - brisket, ice cream, BBQ, everything. Take artsy, hipster pics.

18. Appreciate the weird. It's kind of awesome.

Credit: Thanks to Pat for being born and turning 30.

On Turning 30 and Other Frights and Delights

It's 11:11pm and in less than an hour, I'll be 30. I don't know - it feels weird. Maybe it's just the martinis I had tonight, but I think it's also just a weird feeling to leave behind my 20's. It was a long-ass decade. Holy man. Thinking back to when I turned 20 and thinking through college, graduation, four years in NYC, another four in San Diego, a few minute relationships and then a really long one, changing majors, career moves, cross-country moves. It's just a lot happened and I don't know if I should mourn or celebrate or both. I guess both.

They say 29 is your best year. I mean NY Mag wrote about it - plus Buzzfeed etc. It wasn't the best year for me to be honest - it was whatever but it feels sad to leave it behind and enter into THIRTY. Eww. Omg. No. What does this mean? I must make lists.

A few quick things I learned in my 20s:
1. Real friends know how to be friends when it's not convenient.
2. It's okay to change your mind about your goals - it's okay to want to travel or be a mom instead of a CMO.
3. Drinking water and not drinking vodka are both seriously necessary if you don't want wrinkles. So is sunscreen.
4. Go to the doctor. But then go get acupuncture and do yoga because drugs are probably not the answer. If you feel like you need medication to get through a work day, it's not the right work day for you.
5. Appreciate the moment because time starts speeding up after 25 and you might not get more time with your loved ones. I know it's heavy but it's important. Don't screw this one up. Prioritize.

Things I'm annoyed about: 
1. I'll never be on a 30 under 30 list. Like this SERIOUSLY bothers me. UGH.
2. I have to have kids soon - like yesterday. And I'm not ready. And I don't know if I ever will be.
3. I thought I'd be married in my 20's - and I really don't know how long this jig of eating cupcakes and doing yoga is going to last for me. I'm not looking forward to cardio and working out so I fit in a stupid dress.
4. My parents were younger than me when they had me. Terrifying.
5. It's no longer cute to be confused, hungover, whimsical, and erratic. I've now transitioned from young and restless to just plain crazy. It's like get it together or check yourself in now.

Things to look forward to in my 30's: 
1. No longer getting accused of being young and stupid, especially at work. Being 30 means you're mature and know stuff. Still a "Millennial" but now mature. This is good.
2. Probably having kids in this decade.WhoawhoaWhoa.
3. Actually having income to travel the world and not sacrificing groceries and paying bills. Kinda cool.
4. It's acceptable to stay in and watch Netflix, host wine and cheese parties, geek out on books with friends, and give advice. It's fun to give advice - and I enjoy telling kids who are about to graduate to seriously forget career and go travel. But really.
5. Botox? Gray hair? Idk what else?

Things I Learned from My Child Self

Things I learned about myself by looking at old journals:

1. On Feb 20, 1993 age "7 in a half" - I noted that this was "not best hand writing" - face it, my handwriting sucks and always has. Time to be honest with myself once and for all.
2. Sometimes wishes come true. Right before my 8th birthday, I said I didn't like my sisters and wished I could make them a lot nicer. Now I like them and they're sometimes a lot nicer.
3. Some fears last forever - I wrote a story in 1st grade about getting eaten by a giant spider and ended with "Spiders all over the universe and that was the end of me." In another story - "The spider saw me and ate me. I was dead." That's freaking deep right there. Also fear of failure, regret, and not living came up a lot.
4. Once a girly girl, always a girly girl. "I like being a girl because you can wear nail polish and cool jackets." It was the early 90's after all.
5. Being left handed sometimes sucks. Report card 1989 "Ellyn's grip is not always correct and she cuts off the line." I was FOUR and those lefty scissors are still the WORST. By the way, I now cut right-handed.
6. I like school, reading, being alone, traveling, and cold weather. I hate school dances.
7. At various points, I wanted to be a doctor, pilot, archeologist, psychologist, writer, artist and politician. But then I majored in film because I wanted to make movies and be all of those things. Now I work in advertising. What the...
8. My New Year's resolution at 17:  perfection
9. Things I want to do in life: write, act, art, teach, lead, write
10. I think I struggle with follow through

"Remember who you are." -Mufasa's Ghost

Found: Bucket List

Goals I set for myself in life 12 years ago before college. I checked off the things I've accomplished...

1. Write for National Geographic
2. Fly over Grand Canyon in glider/ultralight
3. Archaeology
4. Study British Literature - Middle English
5. Learn Latin
6. Go to French theatre
7. Go to play in London 
8. Go to Alaska
9. Windsurfing
10. Surf
11. Write a book and screenplay
12. Direct and produce a film
13. Have a private airplane
14. Skydiving
15. Hot air balloon
16. Study religions through experience
17. Establish a charity
18. Vacation on Mediterranean
19. Have a library

Not listed:
1. Pretty much everything in my current career and life

Current thought:
1. I have a lot of work to do
2. Becoming afraid of heights was not good for my bucket list
3. I may have picked the wrong major

Quote I wrote at 16:
If you don't like where you are and if you are not happy, than either: 1. you are blind to your blessings 2. you neglected to follow a dream and settled for less or 3. you are denying and refusing a crucial lesson

Damn, son 

1. Write Bucket List - Check.

When to Take Your Christmas Tree Down

This year, I was especially angry to see people taking their trees down on December 26th. Maybe it's because I'm still waiting for snow, and still half expecting to wake up in PA on Christmas morning. Or it could be because it's January 4th and I still haven't received all of my Christmas gifts in the mail. Or it could be because I woke up on New Year's Day not able to move my head - with a tweaked shoulder injury thing and I literally can't take the ornaments off the tree yet.

Anyway, I researched it and it's actually bad luck to take your tree down before the 12 days of Christmas and Epiphany are over (so ha!). Sidenote - Google autofilled my search query and asked if I meant "when to take pregnancy test" or "when to take creatine." No, Google. Stop. These days, Epiphany may be celebrated on the Sunday between January 2nd and 8th, so today is probably the first day it's okay to take the tree down without getting a hefty heap of bad luck this year. I might take down my snowmen/tacky ceramic figurines/non-tree Christmas crap today and wait til Tuesday to take the tree down. I seriously don't need any more bad luck this year - I already can't look to the left.

I grew up in a Protestant household, going to church more often than I probably wanted and I never knew the 12 days of Christmas started on Christmas and lasted til the Epiphany on January 6th. I mean - what? The Christmas season doesn't start on Black Friday? We're supposed to get trees on Christmas Eve? We really shouldn't be working til after Epiphany? Tell that to Ebenezer "Corporation" Scrooge. Although come to think of it, January 6th was the day my grandmother always took her tree down. And wait, what's Epiphany again? Oh, when the 3 Wise Men finally made it to visit Jesus in the manger. You mean, they camped out in a barn for two weeks, waiting for these foreign dudes to bring them gold and... herbs used for embalming mummies and in face creams? Something like that.

But your tree is dying and making a mess? How about don't put it up in November next time. Or get a fake one and some pine scented candles. There was also that time when I was in high school that we left the tree up til Valentine's Day and put cut-out, paper hearts on it - according to my scientific research project, that's bad luck too because you're taking the old into the new - bringing your baggage along. You have a small window to get that tree down and out - don't screw it up. 

PS Epiphany is a Christian feast day, so don't forget to make your 3rd turkey in a month. How sick are you of turkey at this point? I'm contemplating going to Mexico for Thanksgiving 2015 and drinking margaritas instead. I don't think I can stomach turkey leftovers ever again and we didn't have turkey on Christmas - I'm just still sick of Thanksgiving turkeys. But really - in England (the Motherland) - Wikipedia tells us to light up the yule log, have mulled cider, fruitcake, and such. After Epiphany, we head into Carnival season - leading up to Mardi Gras. Worlds collide.

I think somewhere along the way, we truly lost the meaning of Christmas. These traditions and meanings are being taken out with the garbage bags of wrapping paper. Truly sad. Is it just like that in America? I feel like traditions aren't as wispy in Europe. Is that true?

Which brings me to my other "issue" - how am I still not living in England? Why did my family have to emigrate? Can we go back to 1701 and tell ol' Pappy to just chill out and enjoy the beautiful countryside and the lovely accents of our people and stay put? Then we wouldn't have to work during the 12 days of Christmas and we'd be enjoying a fruitcake today, planning out our next 6 week vacation. Bah! Humbug.

Home Away from Home on Christmas

I wasn't in PA for Christmas for maybe the second time ever in life. I missed seeing everyone and keeping up the traditions we've had forever, but it was nice staying home, avoiding airports, and making new traditions.

On Christmas Eve, after I was done prepping for Christmas Day brunch (press cookies, egg bake, cinnamon buns, bourbon eggnog...), Shaun and I wandered around the Hotel del Coronado. We sat on the beach in the dark and then drove around looking at Christmas lights.

Christmas Eve at the Hotel del Coronado

Christmas morning, we Skyped with my family, had Shaun's mom and sister over for brunch - complete with cinnamon sugar bacon, Cards Against Humanity, and a yule log fire on the big screen TV. We stopped at a friend's house on Christmas night for wine and made friends with a drag queen.

Eggnog

Christmas Morning at Home

On the 26th, we spent our gift cards at the mall and had dinner with new friends downtown. On the 27th, we explored a new neighborhood and visited a new tourist attraction. All in all, a good holiday, despite a bad case of the Sunday blues today due to having to work this week.

Downtown San Diego

Fort Rosecrans National Cemetery